Growing up I was taught that being a wife and mother was my only calling. I was constantly being groomed for these titles. Although, it was a prehistoric mindset in an evolving society, for me it was a dream I couldn't wait to come true especially because I loved children. I was always the favorite in a crowd full of kids, you would always catch me rolling on the floor and playing with the little ones. When I was eight my sister was born, and I quickly became a second mom to her. Diaper changes, milk, baths you name it I did it. She even started sleeping with me when she was three months old. I grew up confident that I knew what I took to be a mom and it would be a smooth journey.
What I never realized was that social media, celebrities and our own friends and family never speak about the reality of motherhood. It is a glamorized myth. That for sure not a smooth journey. The day you hold that “positive” pregnancy test along with overflowing excitement, it also invites anxiety, and worry, which quite frankly never ends.
Unfortunately, because of previous health problems I had a high-risk pregnancy which meant being in and out of the hospital frequently. I had both a midwife and a gynecologist doing my pregnancy check – ups, at one point I was taking 12 different pills and having a check-up every week! I ended up going on medical leave when I was 6 months pregnant.
It was INSANE!
To top it off I am a COVID mama, I had my baby the day before British Columbia announced it’s first lockdown. That on its own was a huge barrier in my birth story. There was no direction on what to expect, rules were changing every single minute. The hospital was under complete lockdown. During labor, I was not even allowed to get ice or water so I had to bring it from home.
Plus, the fear that there were COVID positive patients right down the hall spiked my stress levels to a whole new level. On a brighter note, I’ve never seen a hospital so clean in my entire life. Finally after 23 hours of contractions my angel made her appearance; that feeling the moment you look at your baby for the first time... it's indescribable. I still tear up when I think about it.
The first 48 hours:
The first 24 hours was breeze, I was full of adreneline just soaking in my baby, doing skin to skin while watching her sleep. The nurse kept telling me to rest and prepare myself for day 2, I thought “what is this nurse saying she is so quiet and she's just sleeping.” I was discharged the morning after, went home feeling confident, my in-laws and parents were waiting for us at home to welcome the new member of the family. They kept telling me rest oh how I wish I listened. That night I was slapped in the face with day 2 nightmare. I chose to breastfeed which meant, having my daughter glued to my breasts was a necessity in order to get my milk flowing faster. It was apparent I was feeding her every 2 hours but that night she only wanted to be on my breasts and since she was also learning how to feed there was a lot of tears from the both of us. Unfortunately, my little one was colicky until after the age of 1 because of that she was never a good sleeper.
Say goodbye to warm meals:
The next big change when becoming a new mom is the ability to eat undisturbed. No one tells you that you won’t get to enjoy a hot meal on your own time for a long time. When my daughter was a newborn, she was a short napper if I was lucky she slept for 45 minutes. She was also a contact sleeper because she was colic, so she never wanted to be alone which made things a little difficult. I remember some days I would not get the chance to eat a full meal for 8-10 hours, basically until my husband got home. I survived off finger foods, smoothies, and cold food. When you read articles online it emphasizes to make sure you are getting enough calories and fluid. What it doesn’t tell you is the process of getting those calories in throughout the day isn’t so simple. My go to smoothie was milk, oats, spinach, and some fruits it really helped with making sure my milk supply stayed good. It is also important to utilize your support system when you need it to make sure you have the ability to take care of your own health and meal prep if you need to.
Breastfeeding... a one of a kind journey:
Which leads me to my next challenge breastfeeding. Every medical practitioner, article, baby book etc., all say that breast feeding is the best option for the baby. "Breast is best!" It enables bonding, boosts immunity and just overall the healthier choice. However, what those sources fail to tell you is how hard breast feeding is. It is a full time commitment of its own, that can cause mothers to feel debilitated and defeated when it does not go according to plan. My problem was I had an overflow of milk which was extremely difficult! During feeds my daughter would essentially choke on my milk because it was to fast of a flow. I leaked 24/7 and every time I woke up I was covered in milk. My solution to this problem which by the way was the wrong solution was to pump, in my head it would empty my breasts, and feeding would be easier... WRONG! Pumping made the situation worse. My body started producing more milk which ultimately resulted into feeding becoming more difficult. I could only breastfeed in one position, I had to pinch my breasts to try and regulate my milk supply, and don't even get me started on the pain. I also ended up getting mastitis which is an inflammation in the breast which was an excruciating experience but I still had to feed throughout it. I would be feeding and crying all at the same time. Furthermore, no one ever tells you about the sudden drop of milk supply when your periods start again so I went from pumping 8-10 ounces at a time to 2-4 ounces. Which on it's own was stressful because now I spent my time worrying if I was feeding my baby enough. Which led to the most unhelpful advice, “then give her formula.” those 4 words honestly made my blood boil. Yes, breastfeeding has its challenges, but it was a decision I made for myself and my baby. Yes, it involved me taking some extra steps, but I did it because it felt right to me. I am thankful I stuck through all the hard times especially during teething because I went over a year breastfeeding and I forgot what the pain felt like but what stayed is the bond I have with my daughter that I got to share because of it.
As if sleep was not hard enough regression's made an appearance!
Literally no one prepares you for regressions. Every time I felt that I got the hang of what I was doing. BAM a regression hit. Although, regressions are a good sign of development, I will be the black sheep and admit that it is so hard. I really had to learn to manage my own emotions and triggers because it was so challenging to cope with sleep challenges. My daughter hit every single regression and it lasted a good 4-6 weeks. I felt like a zombie. I co-slept as well because getting some sleep was better then no sleep. There was a point where I had to sleep on the floor holding her because that was the only position she was calm in. She was extremely fussy and often inconsolable. I tried everything google told me to calm her down and nothing worked. The only thing that seemed to work was putting her in a bath, but I obviously could not keep her there all day (bad parenting 101). What was challenging was at 4 months she sort of sleep trained herself and was okay to sleep in her crib alone (mind you I slept on the floor next to her) but then colds, teething, regressions all like to hit the same time and any routine I established flew out the window. The best advice I can give when it comes to coping with regressions is take breaks if you need to, it's okay to take 5 minutes to calm yourself down and leave your baby in a safe place crying rather than losing your cool because you are so burnt out.
Like the saying goes after every storm there is a ray of sunshine!
COVID brought it's own unique challenges:
Being a COVID mama meant that I did not get the same opportunities of support as I would have if I had my baby pre - COVID. It was disappointing that I did not get to show off my new baby girl and have visitors in the hospital or at my home. I had to go to post – partum appointments alone, and carry her car seat which resulted in me having an internal rupture due to heavy lifting within the first 6 weeks. I could not reach out and ask anyone to watch my little one so I could get some sleep. There was very little to no opportunity of self - care or "mommy time" with my friends or have the ability to have play dates. I can honestly say I fought post partum depression like the plague, it creeped up on me often but I had to fight it for my baby. Honestly, there were times where I felt like failure as a mother and a homemaker, I was not able to cook, clean and maintain routine or really figure out this whole motherhood thing. I just had to follow my instincts and hope I wasn't screwing it all up!
Now to the good part:
Despite motherhood being kind of a rude awakening, despite my hormones raging and fighting my emotions to maintain my sanity, I would without a doubt do it all over again. Every first you experience with your baby is so precious. Every milestone your baby hits makes you feel so proud not only in your baby but proud of yourself. Motherhood is the most empowering experience a woman can go through. It truly tests all your limits in every direction but when you overcome each hurdle you find strength in yourself that you never knew you had. Children have a way to turn you into the superhero you always wanted, it allows you to write your own story and rewrite any wrongs.
To all you amazing mama’s out there you are doing an amazing job! The next time you feel overwhelmed just look into your little human’s eyes and all you will see unfiltered and unconditional love. That. That is what makes every fight worth fighting for.
