Motherhood. It is a journey that brings endless lessons. You get blessed with a new title, a new baby, and a new identity. Do you remember the first time you saw your positive pregnancy test, how mixed your emotions were? There was bits of happiness, excitement, surprise, fear, maybe anxiety. The day you chose to add this new addition into your life was the day your entire life completely changed. What no one tells you between the "congratulations" and "I am so happy for you" is the truth about isolation in motherhood.
There are countless resources to educate you about the biology of childbirth and what to expect post partum. When you were pregnant you probably wanted to know what to expect, and what the experience was going to look like. You are taught about breast feeding, physical symptoms of pregnancy and after birth, you may have touched on post – partum depression and was taught about warning sign. The education that is missing however, is the challenges you face socially, and personally. The isolation. The change of identity. The loss of freedom.
The first few years of motherhood is extremely straining not only for relationship with yourself but also with the relationship you have with others. Friendships start to fading away, you start finding that you have less in common with the people you once shared special bonds with. The relationship you have with your partner takes a weighing toll, you start becoming more irritable with each other, or find yourself having unhealthy disagreements. Your ability to pick up your keys and leave is taken away. The way you used to cope when things got difficult may not be feasible anymore because you have a child to watch over and this little babies schedule calls the shots. Despite loving your child so much you can not help but to feel guilty because there are days where you really do not like your new role. Some days you cannot help but to wish to go back.
My Story:
I had my baby the day British Columbia went into it's first full lockdown during the pandemic. The experience itself was scary, no one knew what was going to happen, rules kept changing every few hours when I went into labor. However, despite all the uncertainty my blessing came into the world. My beautiful baby girl.
At first I loved not being able to have visitors, it gave me the chance to adjust into my new role as a mother. I allowed my parents and in-laws to come over to help as much as they could. However, as time went on I ended up being on my own. My partner had the opportunity to be employed during the lockdown but it resulted into him being out of the house for long hours. I felt so alone. It was always just the baby and me. The inability to see my friends or family or even go to a coffee shop to change my atmosphere was a huge loss for me. It was great that I was still able to go for walks but the lack of social interaction slowly killed me.
When the world started to open up again, a new challenge appeared. Scheduling my day meant considering nap time windows and bedtime. Meaning I could only allot an hour maybe two in which I would run my errands, and if my chance someone wanted to see my in the evening they would have to come to me. I quickly had to learn to choose my battles.
My style of parenting is very hands on, I prioritize my baby’s’ comfort over my own. This meant a lot of sacrifice. That is a decision I will never regret, because being there to witness each of her milestones held a lot of value to me. My biggest challenge was having to explain to my individuals within my support system who did not have children why I was unable to leave the house after 5 or why I was not ok with just dropping her off at someone's house. The void of not having an understanding support system that I could vent to and be open with was significant.
My mental health took a big hit because of this isolation. I lacked sleep, support, and time to self – care. I truly lost myself. I no longer recognized the person in the mirror. All I saw was a mother, wife, student and a person trying to find a reason to make it to the next day.
I lost my desire to want to be intimate with my partner because I was always tired and irritated. When my partner tried to hug me, I pushed him off. After an entire day of being touched by my baby I just wanted my body to myself. I was touched out! But then my guilt of neglecting my partner would settle in. Not to mention the guilt I felt about wanting my baby to not be on me 24/7. It was a never-ending pit. Not having social interaction and I mean real social interaction was so hard. I looked forward to going back to work it because it gave me an opportunity to talk to someone outside of my four walls. Yes it was work, but it was still a break.
So What Does Isolated Motherhood Look Like:
Isolation in motherhood looks different for every individual mother. Everyone has their own version of what they consider loneliness. For some they can have lots of support from family and friends and still feel isolated. Others may physically have no one and feel alone. If you are a stay-at-home mom you are particularly at risk because your career, personal life, social life is all within your home.
The change in lifestyle can affect each mother differently. Some may easily cope while others are trying to hold onto pieces of their old life and adjust to their new life. However, regardless of what your experience looks like, there is a change; and that change can put you at risk of feeling isolated in your new journey.
Post-partum recovery can lead you to feeling isolated. Maybe it is a slow process, and you are unable to leave the house. This inability to leave with or without the baby can leave you to feeling unheard or unseen. You may not always be able to pick up the phone and call a friend or family member because your schedules do not align.
Regardless, of what your isolation looks like. You at risk for post-partum depression if you are already not experiencing it. PPD makes the recovery process more challenging. Inside you know the best thing for you is to reach out for help but the embarrassed or fear that is attached is overbearing. You fear being judged or being labeled as a “bad mom” overpowers your inner voice.
What Can You Do To Cope?
Self – Care:
I cannot emphasize this enough! It does not matter if you are able to take 30 minutes or even 5 minutes during naptime do something for yourself. Constantly remind yourself that to fill your child(ren)’s cup yours needs to be full. This can look like doing an activity that you enjoy, taking a nap, taking a shower, or watching tv. Try to shy away from errands as a form of self-care however, if that is your only way to take a break blast the music and make the journey fun.
Find A Social Outlet:
This does not mean going on your phone or computer and scrolling through social media. It means to find an individual or a group of people in your life that you can trust and feel safe around to openly discuss any challenges you may be facing. Where you can just be yourself and share moments of joy. This person can be your partner, family member or a friend.
Be Social:
Go past your comfort zone reach out to other moms you know. Join mommy groups and find moms in your area that are accessible to plan play dates with. Start impromptu conversations with strangers, really try to break out of your shell. This will give you two things. one the ability to have other moms to connect with and two have a support group that is relatable. Take it one step further dedicate one day every so often, drop the little one(s) off at daycare or with someone you trust and get out to do something you enjoy.
Take Time for You:
Motherhood is exhausting! You are not a bad parent if you need to drop your child off for an evening or a few hours during the day. Make sure to take time for yourself to be alone or with a loved one. It is also okay if you start to feel your trigger erupting to step away for 5 minutes just make sure your baby is in a safe place.
Be Open About Your Needs:
Make sure to express to your partner if you are struggling and be open about what it is you are experiencing. Open communication is vital. Tell your partner what your needs are and be very clear about it. If one day you cannot clean the house because your toddler was teething and you spent the day comforting, Communicate that! It is important that your partner and yourself are on similar wavelengths to decrease friction within the household.
Do Not Be A Super Mom:
When we are pregnant we all tell ourselves we are going to be this super mom that will make it all happen. NO! take that thought out of your head. The more you load yourself with tasks the more likely you are to burn out. It is okay to admit that you are lacking energy and the house has to stay a mess or you were unable to cook dinner.
Remember Who You Were Before You Became A Mom:
It is true that your identity changes when you become a mom but that does not mean you lose your core values. Never forget the woman you were prior to getting pregnant. Remember the activities that brought you joy. Ask yourself who you were before? Reflect on the challenges you are facing and what you are missing in your presen tlife. Just because you are now a mother does not mean you lose yourself. You revamp that person and adjust into your new life.
Seek Help:
If you are severely suffering and unable to cope in a healthy manner seek professional help.
You are not a bad parent for struggling. If you need support please feel free to send me a message.
