Here's a little back story:
It is no surprise that the infamous COVID-19 pandemic posed different challenges for everyone. It definitely tested everyone’s patience and tolerance, it forced adaptation by the consistent changes that were circling all around us. There was endless uncertainty, every time it felt like lockdowns were behind us a new wave hit and put us back to square one.
I will admit there were lots of negatives during COVID for starters becoming a new mom during a pandemic sucked! It was not easy to be alone with a newborn baby in complete isolation for the majority of the day. Not being able to see my friends and have the luxury of just picking up my wallet and keys and go some made me feel completely alone and helpless. I was in a position where not only did I have to think about my own health and safety I had this brand new mini human I had to think about as well. I was going crazy. I was easily triggered which affected my sanity but at the same time it affected my ability to be a good and attentive mother.
I was doing all the right things. I put my baby first, fed her, bathed her, changed her diaper, gave her love. At the same time though there were brief moments where I would just sit there and watch her cry, and then start crying myself. I got upset at my partner and lashed out at him for the most miniscule things. I thought I was making my self – care a priority by taking bubble baths, and virtual dancing. In reality however, I was not taking care of my physical, emotional, and mental wellness at all. I put this thought in my head that it was my job to make sure that I handled everything, the baby, house, cooking, errands you name it, if it fit into the stigma of being a "proper women," I made myself responsible for it.
I remember during a 4am feed I watched my husband sleep soundlessly and thought to myself “I am totally failing as a mother, I love her so much but I feel like I am not doing anything right.” I felt guilty for having moments where I didn't like being a mom... And these thoughts were eating me up inside. I lost so much confidence in myself to the point where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I felt worthless. I had this expectation in my head that I had to be proper, male sure my baby was healthy and taken care of and love every moment of motherhood. These unrealistic expectations put me into such a dark place I became my own enemy.
What changed?
The first time I realized I was not okay was the day I finally cracked and yelled on the top of my lungs at my 3 month old baby, profusely crying. It was motherhood rock bottom for me. I felt alone, unsupported, unloved and unworthy. 4 deadly feelings. But in that moment something changed… I looked into my innocent little girls eyes and saw fear but when I looked deeper I saw unconditional love. This tiny baby that I held in my arms I was her everything and she was in pain. It was that very moment I realized that everything I say and do going forward is going to affect this tiny soul. The way I react, the way I speak, the love I give. All of those decisions I make will shape the person she becomes. The mother I am is either going to help her grow into confident, resilient woman or a woman who needs to heal her childhood trauma. And there was no way in hell I was going to let my daughter grow up feeling even a speck of what I felt growing up.
Sounds like something out of a movie right? Epiphanies are powerful!
The next day I enrolled ironically I enrolled in a social work program. For 16 months I was a full – time student, full – time mom and wife all at the same time. No day care no babysitters. Just long nights, vibrant goals and a heart full of dreams and desires for a life I want for myself and my family. My dream has always been to become a pediatrician but life always seemed to get in the way. It took my baby girl to push me to pursue my dreams once again. Despite the hectic schedules it has been much easier prioritize my mental health, and ambition while loving being a mom.
Mental health chose me during COVID by showing me how desperately I needed to prioritize it! I was put in a position where I had to learn to value my relationships and myself. I had my time and overall freedom stripped away from me which forced me to use external sources to run away from my internal issues. It taught me to learn how to put my phone away and value the people I have around me and live in the present. Most importantly, COVID taught me that I can’t wait for tomorrow or the right time to be the person I want to be because there will never be the right time. Life will always get in the way, the difference is are you going to let those obstacles create a barrier that you can’t overcome or a hurdle that you will jump over?
My name is Neha Singh and this is a highlight of my mental health journey. I want to be the change in the world that I want to see and for that I will live through the lack of support, likes, shares on my social media; the lack of praise, the lack of belief and still come out on top. Why? Because there are others out there like me that need support, that need to know that their voices are being heard and that is why I am here to be that rock and difference.
