Many of us were taught from a young age that being a woman means providing for and nurturing others. We grew up watching our mothers put everyone else ahead of themselves, caretaking everyone around them. Naturally, we absorbed these behaviors, as they were the only way we knew to be seen or valued. For some of us, caretaking became the sole avenue to receive attention. Saying no felt like pushing love away, so we avoided it at all costs.
But here’s the truth we weren’t taught: Who we are is enough. Loving ourselves before others isn’t selfish—it’s essential. And it’s okay to disappoint someone; it doesn’t make us any less deserving of love.
Take a moment now to ask yourself: Why is it so hard for you to say no? For me, it was the fear of ending up alone. I spent so much of my life being ignored that I learned to gain attention by serving others, even if it meant being used. That attention felt better than being alone, so I never said no—even when I was overwhelmed. Unlearning this habit was challenging and came with a lot of guilt.
If you struggle with saying no, you likely also struggle with setting boundaries, and that’s completely normal. Many of us were never taught what boundaries are or how to set them. But now, I want you to focus on that uncomfortable feeling you get when someone asks you to do something. Maybe it’s your heart racing, sweating, or a feeling of anxiety or anger. That feeling is your alarm system telling you it’s time to set a boundary.
I’ve named this feeling “Squish.” It might sound silly, but giving it a name helps you become more attuned to it. Squish is your body’s way of telling you that something isn’t right. It’s your job to protect and nurture Squish, to teach it that you’re in control. By listening to your body and honoring your needs, you can keep yourself out of survival mode and live more authentically.
Learning to say no starts with becoming aware of your belief system. If you believe you’re not enough, you’ll struggle with saying no because you’ll seek validation through caretaking. But if you believe you are enough, you’ll feel more confident in saying no and letting go of the fear of disappointing others.
So, how do we start? The answer is practice. Saying no is like learning to ride a bike—you need to get on and start pedaling. There will be falls along the way, but with practice, you’ll master it. A technique I often suggest is to look in the mirror and say no to yourself. It might feel uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay. Pre-plan situations where you might need to say no, and rehearse your response. This practice will lower the anxiety that comes up in real-time, making you feel more confident in your decision.
Remember, saying no isn’t about rejecting others—it’s about honoring yourself. By embracing the power of no, you’re making space for self-priority, self-care, and ultimately, self-love. So, let’s start practicing today and take the first step towards a more empowered you.
